Differences

Well, things are turning out way differently then expected. Not all in a good way, but most of them aren’t bad perse.

First off, I’m still single. I did date a couple of girls, but I’m enjoying being single at the moment. Someone will come along sometime, just not now.

The real difference is my own outlook on life, school and the current project. I’ve decided to really give school my best, and finish it! Of course it won’t be that easy, I’ve had a small breakdown last wednesday evening. I’m still insecure, I don’t have a lot of positive energy, so I have to do with what I can scrounch ouf of my body, and often that means making choices.

One choice I made was putting the tuesday evening roleplay sessions on hold. I can’t always be on time, and I’m often so wasted that I either sit there the whole evening not saying anything, or having to go real early. I need my 9 hours of sleep, otherwise the energy just drains away. This internship is important, I need to finally finish it and prove that I can indeed do it.

Something else that happened and is directly related to the breakdown wednesday, is the fact that I’m the projectmanager for the group of students I’m doing the internship/project with. I was perfectly willing to just be a worker, do my tasks, see how this group works, and learn from them how to manage a project. One of them suddenly started a discussion about who should be projectmanager. At the end of the discussion, it was me.

Now, I could have refused, but I didn’t, and even with the breakdown, I don’t want to give this up. It’s a good learning opportunity, it’s a good way to prove (to myself) that I am indeed capable of fullfilling that role. I can be a leader, I just have to figure out what kind of leader, and play to my strong points.

I can do this, I know I can, I just have to make sure I won’t give up before I’ve proven it. Wish me luck, be there to support me, and everything will turn out right.