Proud

I’ve been thinking, something I’ve been doing a lot lately, about why I do certain things  the way I do them. And the preliminary conclusions show something that I’m not really proud of.

I’m always looking for confirmation that what I’m doing is allright, that I’m doing okay or even very good. Apparantly it’s something I need, because I don’t feel good when I’m not getting any. You could even say that I’m addicted 😉

But why do I need this confirmation? What has happened in my life that I can’t live without the approval of other people? And what I can do to change it so that I can make my own choices?

Difficult questions, although the second one might be the easiest to answer. Well, easy is relative, but that is something you should just get used to.

From my earliest memories I’ve been seeking approval, looking for confirmation. And my guess (slightly educated) is that I never got enough from my parents. In my memories it feels like everything I did was either just accepted, no questions asked. Or had gotten a negative response. So it feels like I never could do anything right.

Rest assured, I have a good relationship with my parents, and I have talked to them about this subject (and lots more). This is just one thing I critize about them, but in a good and positive way. How to deal with the consequences is much more important to me, then put blame for past mistakes.

The why, and the how have been sort of answered. Now, how to deal with it? This one has no easy answer. Well, ‘just deal with it’ is an easy answer. But that one is difficult to put into effect 🙂

There are several options. Tell people about it, and get so much confirmation (if it is honestly earned) that I’ll have enough to last me a lifetime. Don’t ask for confirmation, not even hint that you want/need it. This would be the way if it really is an addiction, stopping cold turkey.

I think that being honest about it is a good start. And I should go look for the middle ground. Postponing asking for confirmation until the moment I really have something to show. Just do, and see what happens. This means learning how to deal with disappointments. Contrary to what I’d like to believe, I’m not perfect 😛

‘Just deal with it’ might even be the only correct answer. It’s just a shame that it doesn’t tell me how to deal with it. That is something that I have to figure out for myself. And hopefully that will unlock the secrets of being proud of myself.