Funny how a simple thing as working too much can more or less destroy most of the zen I reached during the vacation in France. And now, school started again, I’m trying to give it a good start so I can set my first steps towards the end of college (which is still a good 2 years away)
Other projects are slowly getting shape as well. My photography is good, and I can finally be confident about the quality of my pictures. They’re not perfect, and they’ll never be, but I found the beginning of my style of photography. Now I just have to find more excuses to keep on shooting.
And that won’t be a real problem, got a wedding coming up in October, sent emails away to a relatively local organization for concert photography. And I’ve got some other websites and magazines to mail as well. In the mean time I’ll just take any excuse to shoot for de Vorstin. See my latest photo’s for Hilversum on Air and Hilversum Alive here and here. Coming festival where de Vorstin is connected is going to be ILOVEHILLYWOOD . No idea what I can expect there, but that is part of the challenge and what I like about photography.
Now all this is nice and all, it shows that my life isn’t a complete failure (my words, shut up). But it’s all distraction from myself. Keeping myself busy and stuff like that.
I’m tired, I’m emotionally unstable. Sort of flailing around for anything to keep myself upright. Hoping for things to get better, which I know it will, trying to take it easy, while I actually need to put lots of energy in at least two of my current endeavers (school and photography).
And besides this all, girls, shyness, old and new insecurities (mostly old though). Where as voh had a good time last saturday (he hooked up), my night ended feeling very tired and sorry for myself. Thankfully I’ve learned how to not mess up other people’s nights when I’m like that.
While feeling like this having a normal social conversation is difficult for me. I have the irritating tendency to just talk about everything that is bothering me. And constantly trying to get the attention to me, and only me. Attention whorish yes :). But that’s not what I want, and so I do try to ignore my own feelings and strike up small talk with other people. Sometimes it works, often it doesn’t.
I’ve got too much hope for a situation I know won’t work out, not in the short term anyway. And the long term perspective is years at the least. And I can’t let it go, and I keep on feeling like an ass. I have difficulty chatting with her over MSN, because I’m missing too much non verbal information, so I can’t figure out what she’s thinking.
Perhaps I’m in love, perhaps I’m in love with the memories of that short period of time. I don’t know, and I guess that is what is eating my from the inside out.
All I can do now is wait, and try to ignore those feelings. Which is difficult everytime I get reminded of her.