Funny how a simple thing as working too much can more or less destroy most of the zen I reached during the vacation in France. And now, school started again, I’m trying to give it a good start so I can set my first steps towards the end of college (which is still a good 2 years away)

Other projects are slowly getting shape as well. My photography is good, and I can finally be confident about the quality of my pictures. They’re not perfect, and they’ll never be, but I found the beginning of my style of photography. Now I just have to find more excuses to keep on shooting.

And that won’t be a real problem, got a wedding coming up in October, sent emails away to a relatively local organization for concert photography. And I’ve got some other websites and magazines to mail as well. In the mean time I’ll just take any excuse to shoot for de Vorstin. See my latest photo’s for Hilversum on Air and Hilversum Alive here and here. Coming festival where de Vorstin is connected is going to be ILOVEHILLYWOOD . No idea what I can expect there, but that is part of the challenge and what I like about photography.

Now all this is nice and all, it shows that my life isn’t a complete failure (my words, shut up). But it’s all distraction from myself. Keeping myself busy and stuff like that.

I’m tired, I’m emotionally unstable. Sort of flailing around for anything to keep myself upright. Hoping for things to get better, which I know it will, trying to take it easy, while I actually need to put lots of energy in at least two of my current endeavers (school and photography).

And besides this all, girls, shyness, old and new insecurities (mostly old though). Where as voh had a good time last saturday (he hooked up), my night ended feeling very tired and sorry for myself. Thankfully I’ve learned how to not mess up other people’s nights when I’m like that.

While feeling like this having a normal social conversation is difficult for me. I have the irritating tendency to just talk about everything that is bothering me. And constantly trying to get the attention to me, and only me. Attention whorish yes :). But that’s not what I want, and so I do try to ignore my own feelings and strike up small talk with other people. Sometimes it works, often it doesn’t.

I’ve got too much hope for a situation I know won’t work out, not in the short term anyway. And the long term perspective is years at the least. And I can’t let it go, and I keep on feeling like an ass. I have difficulty chatting with her over MSN, because I’m missing too much non verbal information, so I can’t figure out what she’s thinking.

Perhaps I’m in love, perhaps I’m in love with the memories of that short period of time. I don’t know, and I guess that is what is eating my from the inside out.

All I can do now is wait, and try to ignore those feelings. Which is difficult everytime I get reminded of her.

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  1. You know I agree with the way you feel, though I know by now that what I think isn’t going to change much (thankfully). You need to sort this out in your own tempo, but please, don’t keep pushing it away, because it’ll keep coming back.

    That’s all.

  2. Wow… your life rocks!

    Now you just have to find out which parts are fun, and focus. I’ll repeat that. Focus. Focus ensures that you’re capable of enjoying all the good parts, and build on the lesser parts (without feeling lost, miserable or otherwise out of sorts).

  3. Perhaps you just need a good shag.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure that would sort out a lot of problems. Including, no, especially being emotionally hung-up about girls, even That Specific One.

    Wait, that sounds far too harsh. Let me add that I have good hopes things’ll work out fine for you. As for a solution: I suggest lowering your standards, chucking That Specific One in the fridge for now and going out having a good time. That sounds deceptively easy and it is. It’ll take more than you can see at first glance but I have confidence in you. Now all that’s needed is for you to have confidence in you, too.

  4. Dirty attention whore!

    So.. why don’t you, instead of talking on MSN with her, go out with her in person?

  5. “Voh said something”
    I know, I try, but don’t always succeed. Thanks for being there for me at least 🙂

    “Oscar said something”
    No, it doesn’t. My life doesn’t rock. For my life to be rocking I need to be enjoying it. And at the moment I don’t, not really anyway.

    I’ve got some things going for me, but most of them aren’t as big or as important as I let them sound. And besides, you missed the main point of the post, which was about “her” 🙂

    “odd said something”
    Perhaps I do, perhaps I don’t. Won’t know until it happens ey?

    Thanks about the vote of confidence, I will definately try. Not going to run away from my life this time.

    “phib said something”
    I know, isn’t it great? 😛

    About the going out with her, that requires planning and free time on her side. She doesn’t really like to plan many things, and she doesn’t have a lot of free time. Besides that, it takes about 2 hours to get to her place (and vice versa). Which really requires planning to make it all work.

    And fuck that all, if she isn’t willing to free at least some time, then why would I bother with waiting for her?

  6. “And fuck that all, if she isn’t willing to free at least some time, then why would I bother with waiting for her?”

    Don’t be a supplicating puppy. You have something awesome to offer her and she’d better recognise that.

    My momma always said, “tijd heb je niet, tijd maak je.” [Roughly translating to “one doesn’t have time, one creates time”, but missing the necessary connotation of determination.] My momma does say wise things every once in a while. This works for N, too. If she doesn’t have time, it just means you’re not high enough on the list of priorities. Don’t accept dangling at the bottom of her list of priorities. You know you’d drop whatever you were doing and hop over there in a heartbeat.
    Not planning is okay, that doesn’t matter. Just call her some evening and just go over there.
    Barbara did exactly that a week ago, in the middle of the night just before leaving to Portugal, and it was loads of fun.

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