Honesty

Pining over a girl, never really thought it would happen to me. But it did.

After writing my last post I wrote a email, very honest, to the point, perhaps even logical. And then sent it to her. Haven’t heard from her since, but I do know she’s been online since I sent it.

My choice has been made. Can’t wait, won’t wait, so I decided to burn that bridge before it consumed me. It is going to take some time before I can really let it go, but I am going to try my best. Hopefully things will happen in the meantime that puts it all into perspective.

I find it strange, but yesterday I thought I could feel my mind sort of re-ordering elf. Pieces of the puzzle moving around, clicking into other places, feeling mentally stronger every day. Now all I need is my body to catch up to it. Things are going better, especially now that I decided once more to try and get a grip on my own life.

Letting go, surrendering control of most of my life is still difficult, but doing that leaves energy to take control of the things that I can control. And I guess that is a process which is going to take some more years, but every step is a positive one.

The one issue that controls most of the negative emotions is money. I don’t want it to be, so I don’t spend nearly enough time managing it. But I’m financially not really sound at the moment. Never really was, everytime I have some money, I spend it without thinking about how much I can safely spend.

And that leaves me in a very strange position. When I have enough money (during the vacation in France) I’m completely relaxed. When money gets tight (as in, can I pay next months rent and still get food?), then I tense up, start worrying about a lot of things.

Next year is going to be even tighter, since I do have to pay for college myself now. And still have to buy books, pay the rent, buy food. This is going to be a challenge, a big one for me. It’s time to find a balance between work, study and spare time. How much can I work without crashing down again? How much time is needed for college? And how much time do I want to spend with friends?

First step was taking a look at where all the money went, and what bills are still open. I think I can manage it, but it will require putting myself on a budget for a lot of things.

The reason I’m telling you this now is very basic. I was scared, scared mostly of my parents. But all I have to be scared of is some words, being chewed out. I can handle that, if I can be honest to myself. And to be honest to myself, I have to be honest to everyone.

From now on I will try to let go of at least one secret in my posts. I won’t tell everything, I do want to keep some things to myself. But a lot of the things that are bothering me aren’t really worth it.