Honesty

Pining over a girl, never really thought it would happen to me. But it did.

After writing my last post I wrote a email, very honest, to the point, perhaps even logical. And then sent it to her. Haven’t heard from her since, but I do know she’s been online since I sent it.

My choice has been made. Can’t wait, won’t wait, so I decided to burn that bridge before it consumed me. It is going to take some time before I can really let it go, but I am going to try my best. Hopefully things will happen in the meantime that puts it all into perspective.

I find it strange, but yesterday I thought I could feel my mind sort of re-ordering elf. Pieces of the puzzle moving around, clicking into other places, feeling mentally stronger every day. Now all I need is my body to catch up to it. Things are going better, especially now that I decided once more to try and get a grip on my own life.

Letting go, surrendering control of most of my life is still difficult, but doing that leaves energy to take control of the things that I can control. And I guess that is a process which is going to take some more years, but every step is a positive one.

The one issue that controls most of the negative emotions is money. I don’t want it to be, so I don’t spend nearly enough time managing it. But I’m financially not really sound at the moment. Never really was, everytime I have some money, I spend it without thinking about how much I can safely spend.

And that leaves me in a very strange position. When I have enough money (during the vacation in France) I’m completely relaxed. When money gets tight (as in, can I pay next months rent and still get food?), then I tense up, start worrying about a lot of things.

Next year is going to be even tighter, since I do have to pay for college myself now. And still have to buy books, pay the rent, buy food. This is going to be a challenge, a big one for me. It’s time to find a balance between work, study and spare time. How much can I work without crashing down again? How much time is needed for college? And how much time do I want to spend with friends?

First step was taking a look at where all the money went, and what bills are still open. I think I can manage it, but it will require putting myself on a budget for a lot of things.

The reason I’m telling you this now is very basic. I was scared, scared mostly of my parents. But all I have to be scared of is some words, being chewed out. I can handle that, if I can be honest to myself. And to be honest to myself, I have to be honest to everyone.

From now on I will try to let go of at least one secret in my posts. I won’t tell everything, I do want to keep some things to myself. But a lot of the things that are bothering me aren’t really worth it.

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5 Comments

  1. Did she really know you have feelings for her or is this mail coming more or less out of the blue for her? And what exactly did you write? Like: ZOMG! I totally like/love you? Cause letters like that are usually very awkward. Instead of writing or talking too much about feelings and showing them through words, you should show them through actions. On a date. 😛

    But as it has previously been said, don’t run after one girl. If she can’t make up her mind for a data: NEXT!

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